I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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