At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
