Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
