i just wanna soil my oats bro
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
