I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
