Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
