Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
