My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
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