Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
