DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
