My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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