Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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