his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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