This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
