Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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