My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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