I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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