Where are you?
In a non slutty way
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
