I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
