Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
