My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
