Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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