im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
