If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
