doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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