She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
