just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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