Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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