i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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