You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
