Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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