capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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