I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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