fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
