1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
