Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
