woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
