I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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