Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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