Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
