We're facebook friends in real life
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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