I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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