I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
