just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
