There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
