I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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