I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
