all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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