My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
