i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
