I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
